A Friend of Mine Died Last Week

A young friend of mine died last week. He was supposed to be with us at a mid-December long weekend Retreat held for the Alumni of the Trial Lawyers College. He bought his plane ticket, but he never called and he never showed. His family found him in his apartment on the Tuesday after that Retreat weekend, alone and dead.

My friend struggled with alcohol and ---in the end--- lost that lonely struggle. Of course, the devastating loss was sad and tragic and left all of us at sea emotionally. However, the news chilled the base of my spine for entirely different reasons.

On an earlier Alumni Board Retreat weekend some years ago, I accidentally shared a TLC-style room with Mark. I say the room-sharing was accidental because, upon my arrival, I poked my head into the room looking for someone I knew, perhaps a Class of 2002 pal. Mark was already in the room and greeted me warmly. Although I scarcely knew him, he called me by name. How was my trip? Had I any difficulty in locating the joint? Suitcase still in hand, I intended to chat amiably for a bit and then look for another room occupied by someone I knew. But, I never did. Instead, I threw my bag onto the unused bed while we exchanged pleasantries and that was that.

We talked late into the night on the 2 evenings we were together. This was the first time I'd ever spent any time with him because I regarded him as quirky and different. He knew I had been in Recovery for many years and he was curious about my story. I related it in the dark, almost by rote, not realizing at that time that he was in a knife fight in a dark room with his own demons. To be honest, at least one incident over that weekend led me to suspect my friend may have been a candidate for admission to my club. Notwithstanding that radar blip, I did not press him. We’re taught Recovery is a program of attraction, not promotion. We do not corral or give advice. We just share our own experience, strength and hope. Thus, the conversation meandered onto other subjects. As I listened to him from my little single bed across our shared room, one could determine quickly that the guy was bright and inquisitive. He was kind and caring about who I was as a person. We talked about relationships and agreed they were hard, requiring a type of effort and work which often eluded us completely. We discovered we both liked to read and we talked books. After that weekend, a book would occasionally show up in the mail from my friend, with a quickly jotted note: You’ll like this, J.R. –Mark

During the next summer, at a Grad Program, we shared a powerful session where I helped direct a psychodrama in which my friend was a protagonist. Because of the connection forged earlier, he asked for my help in that session. Whenever I saw him after that, he was always the first one to come up to me and say hello -- always the first one to reach out. I would chat with him, secretly wondering how much time I should devote to the conversation so that the accepted conventions of social correctness could be observed. Then, I would bolt. In more recent months, it was mentioned that he was "struggling" and "having problems" and more gradually still it was mentioned that he had an "alcohol problem."

I heard all this. I knew it. And, knowing of my friend's struggles as I did and knowing how alcohol had debilitated and nearly ruined me, I never once reached out to my friend as he had reached out to me.

That chill at the base of my spine? I knew what it was as soon as I felt it.

It was wrenching regret and shame.

So....I'm remembering this morning what John Nolte would often say to me when my burning regret and shame percolated into the open during a drama:

"Just feel that, J.R."

Stand By to Come About?

It's like I was sayin' to a friend of mine this morning.....you never know what will prompt the winds of change. Or, what might offer the impetus to start a Blog. For me, it turned out to be all the shrieking bullshit about Obama's invitation of Rick Warren to give the invocation at the Inaugural. I saw this snippet in an AP story this morning ---about how Rev. Warren "loves" gays while he nonetheless opposes their "lifestyle" (as if it's chosen), opposes gay marriage and sounds all the other Anita Bryant echoes from the Moral Majority's halcyon Reagan days.

Of all the guys Barack could've picked to offer the invocation, I thought, he picks THIS cat?

Why?

Commencing with the 5th 'graph of the AP story, the following was noted:

Obama defended his choice on Thursday, saying that he has also invited Joseph Lowery, a Methodist minister and civil rights leader who supports same-sex marriage and gay rights, to deliver the benediction.

"During the course of the entire inaugural festivities, there are going to be a wide range of viewpoints that are presented. And that's how it should be, because that's what America's about. That's part of the magic of this country ... we are diverse and noisy and opinionated," Obama said.

Now, is it just me, but could this be the moment in time upon which we later look back and peg as the precursor-tick-of-the-clock during which we flicked on our national blinker and moved out of the gridlocked, "politics-as-usual" lane and into a "faster lane" marked by a good faith, no bullshit attempts at bipartisanship? For that lane change to work, somebody has to go first, right? Somebody has to give a little -- perhaps on only insignificant points at first or on fronts involving more style over substance.

Is Obama leading here, I found myself thinking?

Nahhh....humans are venal creatures. Surely, the other side will screw it up. Instead of recognizing what is offered as the gift it is, the other guys will instead lick their party-polemic chops over the political give and use that opportunity to make some political hay out of the giving. That's the way it's done in D.C.

I went on to the Sports Page. As I tried to concentrate on a waning 2008 - 09 college football season which left my LSU Tigers mired in unexpected mediocrity and sweeping the SEC basement, I found my mind wandering...

Well....what if?

What if this WAS a gift to the other side?

And, what if, when the gift was given and abused.....what if SOMEbody was willing to avoid the tit-for-tat response so familiar to us and give a little again -- not on core issues at first....but SOMEwhere.

Is that what you're doing, Barack?

Could such an approach possibly lead to some type of new understanding blossoming within the giant heart of the American people? Could we, as a people, be led by Obama's initial choice here ---a tiny, baby step--- to ruminate upon magnitude of what's being attempted? Could such an understanding, evolving little by little over time, force the other side to get REAL....not because they want to, necessarily, but because to do otherwise is antithetical to the evolving will of the people? Could such an approach ---demonstrated by Barack here at this early point on a largely symbolic, meaningless front--- foreshadow a long needed evolution of old-school, tit-for-tat party politics?

Could all of this mark the germination of a simple idea: Entrenched, Washington siege warfare is now simply "bad politics"?

Could Obama be that smart?

I was up at my hunting camp this weekend with my Dad, 75 years old, and a died-in-the-wool conservative Republican with all the predilections and prejudices of his Pre- World War II upbringing. This topic came up. I think even a conservative guy like Jimmy recognized something different about the way Obama has come out of the gate. He says to me, out of the blue: "You know, son, the election is over. I remember when Bush won, the comment from the Republicans to the Gore people and later to the Kerry people was for them to 'get over it.' Well, now, the Republicans have to 'get over it.' We have a lot of work to do and this man is now Our President. Barack Obama is MY President and I really feel a duty to help the guy. Everybody needs to get on board, is the way I see it."

I was a little stunned -- not because of the Old Man's acceptance of the outcome of the election -- but by his willingness to grab an oar in the new guy's boat and to NOT "buy into" the usual junior high sort of political back-biting and 2nd guessing which has often followed a change in either the Executive or the national legislature.

What does it all mean?

Could it mean a shift in the winds, sensed by Obama -- who now quickly moves to foster the change by adjusting his political sails to catch the new direction of the breeze?

Are we about to hear: "All hands on deck, prepare to come about!"

Or, should I just sign this initial Blog Entry: Pollyanna?

J.R.